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| My unbelievably well-timed office calendar |
We certainly don't hear the last from Miss Bevan, as she manipulates her way into Mary's chambers in full-on creeper mode, then forces her way into the library to spill her story to Lord Grantham. She secures a sum much smaller than intended with the threat of arrest accompanying the check Robert wrote, simultaneously giving birth to the moment I hated and dreaded for season six. As I had previously noted in last year's reviews, some of the story lines were becoming redundant and in some cases identical to previous Downton events. This particular incident screamed of Charles Grigg trying to extort Mr. Carson in exchange for his silence on Carson's vaudeville history, which also ended with a threat of arrest and Robert paying off the slob. A small infraction in recreating this moment with a change of players, and luckily the remainder of the show more than made up for the slip. What became slightly hazy for me was Lord Grantham's revelation that Mary was in fact, fit to be the agent of Downton because she slept with Tony and refused him. It was pretty much "you can't be the agent, you're a chick and everyone knows anyone with a uterus can't handle hard work!" "But Papa, I slept with Tony and I realized he was not sponge-worthy so I dumped his ass!" "Oh well in that case, look how grown you are, here's the entire estate, have fun!" What the hell did I miss here? In the end, I still couldn't understand why Anna didn't just push the woman down the stairs when escorting her from Mary's room and save everyone a lot of trouble? You like pushing people, don't you Anna?
Well no. Apparently not. Thankfully, after several painful hours of interrogations and accusations throughout season 5, another rape victim had finally come forward and fessed up to pushing Mr. Green into the street after he mocked her and pushed that final fatal button. No doubt a relief for Anna, perhaps she can focus on her future with Bates and their prospective motel, though thus far she cannot hope to hear the pitter patter of little feet just yet. Poor Anna reveals her devastating loss of yet another baby and fears her capability of carrying a child full term. This may or may not be a bad thing considering what happened to the last Mrs. Bates who owned a motel. But we can only hope that with the lifting stress of this Green ordeal, Anna's reproductive system may have another go at it.
Two people far beyond this concern are our beloved Carson and Mrs. Hughes, but poor Elsie has a concern of her own. The birthday suit has been broken in a bit and she can't seem to iron out whatever wrinkles may have developed, which she fears may put off Mr. Carson. Turning to her dear friend Mrs. Patmore for help, the moment suddenly turned into a 1920s version of the Golden Girls (guess which one was Rose). All they needed was a cheesecake and a sharp-tongued old lady two steps away from a retirement home, but sadly the Dowager wasn't in this scene. As the two little hens clucked about their concerns of post-menopausal coitus, Mrs. Hughes enlisted Mrs. Patmore to be the facilitator in this awkward discussion between Elsie and Charles. And awkward it was. When they finally got down to it after one failed attempt, it was spectacularly uncomfortable to watch the two writhe and cringe through the conversation of a full marriage, which was in essence: "she wants to know if you expect to see her Genurkenflurken." Someone please give these two an award now. The ability to make audiences uncomfortable during a sex talk in this ridiculously perverse and hedonistic modern day culture without actually ever using the word sex is undeniably worthy of recognition. Thankfully they worked out their issues, Carson's little soliloquy made everyone hope for a partner of similar sentiment and devotion in their own golden ages, and Elsie and Charles shared their first heart melting kiss.
In spite of this warm ending, the season was not without its boiling points either. As many families were falling to smaller lifestyles and having to downsize, Mr. Mason was informed he was bound to lose his farm tenancy, uprooting his life and his future. Though Lord Grantham attempted to intervene, his efforts were entirely undone by Daisy's unfaltering big mouth. Confronting both the former owner who was in the middle of watching his life fall to ruin, and the new owner, the typically meek and mild Daisy unleashed the fury of Hell at a local auction. Ignoring all prompts and redirection to silence herself, Daisy acquired a spine at the worst of moments, and almost certainly sealed Mr. Mason's fate as a former tenant. Some consideration should be given to her passion in standing up for her father-in-law, but ultimately we all just wanted to bitch slap her and tell her to shut up. Once snapped back to reality, she realized her folly and narrowly escaped dismissal from the house.
Daisy was not the only one with the big mouth in Downton this week, however. After being informed that there may be some downsizing on the wages list, Danker could barely contain herself, in spite of the Dowager's warning that it did not bear repeating. Happily skipping from one house to the other and viewing herself as indispensable, Danker began sprinkling her cyanide sunshine around, stirring fears in most servants, none more than Sprat. Though she managed to get his panties in a bunch, the Dowager craftily leveled Danker with a tease about her being the selected sacrifice. Spin off alert! Survivor Downton! I can only imagine the videos of elimination votes! Dowager: "That Danker's a boozy bitch and she can't wash my underwear worth a damn, my ass is chaffing! She's gotta go!" Danker: "Hey, I spent all night trying to get the skid marks out of those things, I deserve to be here!" Either way, we don't know who will fall to the layoffs of the abbey, but I suspect we're not lucky enough to be rid of the arses in the end.
With whispers of the potential loss of staff lurking through the house, the potential loss of power in the hospital has also been revealed to the committee, in turn triggering the next battle between Violet and Isobel. While Isobel sides with ethics and patient care, Violet prefers the reigning power of her small niche in the world and refuses to give it up without a fight. And rushing to her side in childish vengeance, Dr. Clarkson declares his support for the Dowager, not only to avoid the conglomerate castration this larger hospital will bring to his tiny practice, but because he's straight up jelly of Lord Merton. Like two youngsters fighting over a toy, the only solution is to have a grown up step up and intervene, for which Cora has bravely volunteered but already announced her plan to defeat Violet. I suspect it involves one simple yet resounding warning: "Shady Pines, Mama!"
In other news, Edith can't seem to establish her position as the manager of a magazine, Thomas' only friends are George and Marigold and only because he bribes them with piggy back rides, Rose and Tom are doing fine in America, and I finally learned the Sergeant's name, Willis. Join us again next week to see who gets voted off Survivor Downton and how Lady Mary continues to lay the foundation for becoming the Blanche of the 1950s with her many men.
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